A 512Kb PDF of this article as it appeared in the magazine—complete with images—is available by clicking HERE

"La moitié du monde prend plaisir á méidre, et l'autre moitié á croire les médisances." (One half of the world takes pleasure in deception, and the other half in believing it.)
-- French Proverb

The Internet is full of it. I mean good, reliable information for surveyors. Yep, there are plenty of sites to do research, find control, maps, hardware and software updates, tips and pointers, and fine publications. Gee, maybe someday there will be nice national standard for posting control and cadastral data to the web (yes, this is a humor piece), but I digress.

For the most part, survey-related data on the web is not subject to the "other side of the web", that rocky place where truth is elusive, reality is an illusion, and there are huge steaming piles of incorrect, fraudulent, libelous, ignorant and screamingly stupid information. One has to be a genius to write a computer virus (albeit a sick genius), but any idiot can write a virus hoax, or worse still, forward it to others. Geez, were I to believe a hundredth of what makes it past the spam filters, I could get `moRtgag3s' for 1.5%, and have Canadian pharmacies that actually pay me to buy their drugs. There are spam filters, parental control filters, spy-ware detectors, and a host of other tools to help us avoid the more malicious aspects of the web, but no one has yet developed a stupid filter. Not that some reciprocal flame mail might dissuade your email acquaintances from forwarding the latest story about killer biscuits, scuba divers in forest fires, diamond studded cookie recipes, Internet tax rumors, political misinformation, doctored shock photos, or other completely unsubstantiated excretia. No matter how we try, we still get those unsolicited reminders that there is a segment of society that ascribes to the school of thought that the bulk of human kind are total suckers, and the sinking suspicion that they might be on to something.

That being said, I wanted to share the following absolutely fabulous, totally wonderful , especially terrific financial offer that my sister's husband's cousin's friend told me was absolutely true!

Sidebar:
From: Aiheitdis Freekinjaab
Subject: PLEASE I NEED YOUR HELP
Sent: Today 1:55 PM

Attention: CEO

I am Mr. Aiheitdis Freekinjaab, son of the late head of state, of the federal Republic of Caveatemptor from 1993 - 1998 General Freekinjaab. My late father made much money as the head of state for 5 years... yes, even in Caveatemptor. He has different accounts with many banks, discount stores and consumer electronics warehouses. He has not left any stone unturned in acquiring vast riches of consumer products for his family.

The present people's government of Caveatemptor led by General Kaupai has not found favor with my family since their inception. This may be a result of his hatred for my late father who kept him in prison for over two years for a coup attempt. After the death of my father he was immediately made head of state and did nasty things like started teaching evolution in schools and adding berry-blitz to all slurpshee machines.

He has confiscated and frozen all revolving consumer accounts of my late father, which greatly distresses me. Now I languish imprisoned somewhere between the fences of Texas and Oklahoma wherein the only culture I can find is that which produces yogurt. I am in a state of daze and confusion in this almost barren lifeless plain that looks so much like Kansas, the Dakotas, Iowa, Nebraska, Wyoming, and so on, that I truly cannot tell where I am. But I digress...

Now, my purpose is just seeking your assistance in saving the stockpiled consumer products equaling the sum of $50,000,000 USD [FIFTY.MILLION.DOLLARS]. This represents the contents of several dozen Pricy-klub and Kostko warehouse stores that my father charged before his untimely death when a 19 pound jar of mayonnaise fell on him at one of the aforementioned stores.

This is the largest deposit of bulk consumer goods in the entire Midwest and Wester-Mid-west. Just the crates of Halloween wax lips and 8-pound cans of dolphin friendly tuna provide all worth of my plea. I cannot trust much on most saboteur friends of my family or other Amyway salesman types lurking in the aisles of Welmart. I got your contract through our trade missions at AOL, MSN, @home and other sources like "We-Wont-ShareYour-Info-HaHa.com". All whom I need is a sincere, honest trustworthy, courteous, kind, mom-fearing individual whom in my mind will absolve to help me in the deal. If you have feelings for my situation or just had quintuplets and need the bulk products don't hesitate to stand up for me.

If my proposal speaks volumes to you, all you need to do is stand up as beneficiary of these products to claim them and save them for me. On your identification and confirmation from me the transaction will take place. You will be compensated with 25% of all non-perishable products (including the 8,500 wax lips).

To do this you will need to secure a warehouse (or give me your credit information to do this for you) and for a small investment that will equal about 5% of the total, you can have 25% (OK, I'll throw in 27,650 Nuttee-Buddeez as a bonus).

Please this is a desperate plea for which you could also benefit. Imagine a world where you would have a lifetime supply of things like OrvilReeboker stuffs for you and your family, neighbors, friends, their families, neighbors friends, foes, strangers, hand them out to the homeless, or use for fire starters.

Please act quickly, the Popper-Tarts may have an expiration date of over a decade, but you will need to start consuming them quickly to use all before then...

Sincerely, Your humble servant
Aiheitdis Freekinjaab

Gavin Schrock once tried standup , but it was determined very quickly that he was not funny, and was therefore better suited for land surveying. Luckily, he is only licensed in Washington State.

A 512Kb PDF of this article as it appeared in the magazine—complete with images—is available by clicking HERE